Yoga for Self Love - 2/16

Every version of you deserves your love and kindness, especially the parts you hate the most. Yoga continues to teach me that my body and mind are not enemies.

I felt off a bit this week. When I paused to inquire what was taking me away from the present moment, I felt sadness needing something.

I acknowledged it a couple times and dismissed it for its inconvenience - “Not now.”

Then I sat down on my mat this morning and tried to approach this sadness. But it had tucked itself back in a corner and was being stubborn.

Now, I had to deal with the strong defensive wall anger projects. I sat, I breathed, and I hardly moved. My mind ran to other things - distractions. I came back to my breath where I cradled anger. I started to move slowly as I processed how easy it is to be mad. It’s fast, it’s hot, spicy.

Somewhere in that processing, I slipped past the first defensive line and found sadness shaking, holding, needing a release.

The smallest tears fell. I moved some more.

Then, I hit the second defensive line - anger again. I reached out for it, understanding its role and where it came from, but asking it to let me sit with sadness for a while longer.

Big tears feel and heaving sobs from my belly and chest swelled as I swayed back and forth.

I’m sad. I’m sad because I miss people. I’m sad because things seem harder than necessary. I’m sad because I’ve caused harm. I’m sad because befriending my body means feeling its pain. I’m sad because systems are broken. I’m sad because too many people are losing loved ones. I’m sad because I know what has been and what could be. I’m sad because it’s hard to not hate myself.

There’s more than yoga to credit for my growing ability to feel this sadness and process it in new ways, but yoga is a constant resource for this work.

It has been supportive to use the limbs of yoga to explore trauma, shame, and emotions. The movement, messaging, and reflection in the practice bring me closer to myself in a way that aids in unlearning and learning again.

5 Ways I Practiced Yoga Last Week

1. Aparigraha (non-attachment): Through meditation, I reached a place where I’m practicing not being attached to the future. I think about it often - will I have the chance to do all that I want, will I see this or complete that, will I get the happy ending?

   But, lately I’ve noticed just how little of the future I may care to plan. It feels like not being attached to a certain outcome, which is feeling relieving right now. Scary, in a different way, but still relieving.

2. Ahimsa (non-violence): There have been many times this week and in the last few where I’ve made a choice towards self love. It’s a path I’m trying to create that still feels very hard.

   My mind keeps thinking my body is the enemy. But, that’s not true.

   In the moments that I’ve wanted to sling self hatred towards my body for how it looks and moves right now, I’ve battled tears and breakdowns. But, I’ve reached a point of not wanting to feel the same as I always have - devastated by my body.

   Now, I want to extend kindness because I know intimately what this body has been through. I’m still finding it hard to do this and actually believe myself, but I know it takes practice after years of violent and abusive messaging.

3. Samadhi (liberation): Not going to lie, it took a fight and looking at repeated thoughts and feelings for me to feel liberation this week.

   At one point this week, there was a moment of clarity through devastation. When I noticed it creeping in, I decided that I don’t think I can fight it anymore. I can’t fix it. I can’t stop it from hurting.

   In this, I felt a settling - a feeling of being ok, even though I’m really, really not ever going to be ok with it.

   There’s some liberation in just letting it be here without needing to be what I focus on or let bind me to a certain life.

4. Dhyana (meditation): This week was a reminder that meditation can be short. I found shorter practices to be the most accessible and supportive as I moved through the week. This included moments of slow breathing and repeating seemingly basic affirmations related to capability and choice.

   “I am ok.”

   “There’s not a threat.”

   “I can go slowly.”

5. Asana (physical movement/postures): It felt like a tough week on the upper back - emotionally and physically. I felt called toward poses that create backbends by lifting the heart, like cobra and up dog.

5 Ways You Can Practice Yoga This Week

1. Aparigraha (non-attachment): Share your talents with your community - in any way, focus on sharing yourself. It could be your presence, your art, your music - whatever the expression is, don’t keep it in - share it!

2. Ahimsa (non-violence): I dare you not to say anything mean or negative towards your body and it’s function or appearance this week. When you notice the words creeping up in your mind, plant the seed of a new story - my body is not my enemy.

3. Samadhi (liberation): Following the rules and meeting the expectations of others often brings constriction. Consider if there is anything you want to move away from - then practice letting go.

4. Dhyana (meditation): Rest your body into supports - a wall, bed, bolster, or pillow - and trace three breaths in and out of the body.

   Soften the hold in the hips, shoulders, jaw and tops of the feet. Trace three more breaths in and out of the body, each time letting more softness find its way throughout your body.

   Repeat to yourself, “I deserve my own kindness and can feel how comforting it is to just allow myself to be without critiquing, worrying, or caring how others perceive me. I am okay. Right here. I’m okay.”

5. Asana (physical movement/postures): Practice poses like cobra, up dog, superman/person, camel, bow, and dancer while moving slowly with your breath.